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Saturday, November 6, 2010

Guilty Until Proven Innocent-I Was Accused of Child Abuse

Recently, I read Nerdy Apple Bottom’s post “My Son is Gay”. Her son was bullied by the other mothers at the Church School, because he decided to be Daphne from Scooby Doo for Halloween, and she kicked some cyber-ass defending him. My first thought was get that kid out of that school! My one experience with a church preschool was one of the most HELLISH experiences of my life.

I decided to put Joey in this school so he could get exposed to other kids and thought people who go to church are nice, right? I didn’t need daycare because my parents took loving care of him. I decided to pay and have him attend part time, 3 days a week. I was a single mother with a great job and my own 2 bedroom apartment and even though I was young, my son had an awesome life. A church wouldn’t discriminate against me, would they?

Hey I CHOSE life-that’s what you wanted right?

Joey always had bruises. I‘d ask him where he got them and he didn’t know, it obviously did not hurt when it happened. Sometimes there were more than others; most were on his shins and forearms. I talked to his Pediatrician about them, and he said “Let me check this out” and took a blood test. I didn’t hear back so I really didn’t think anything was wrong. 5 months later, he got Chicken Pox. As he got better I noticed that he was getting blood red freckles around his eyes and on his skin. I made an appointment to see his doctor. Over the weekend he fell backwards onto my parent’s brick fireplace and hit his back-just above his hip. Unlike the other times he got bruised, this HURT him. He ended up with a big purple bruise. Since he was feeling better from the Chicken Pox, I took him back to school on Tues day. I got a call from the director of the church preschool and she asked me in an accusing tone, (not an inquiring tone) “Where did he get this bruise on his back?” I told her and let her know about his doctor’s appointment in two days. She said “do you know that he has 42 bruises on his body?” I explained that I had talked to his Dr. about it and I asked her to look at the blood red freckles around his eyes and on his skin. She was dismissive and said “those are probably sunspots”.

Seriously to this day, I still wonder WTF is a sunspot?

She said “well I had to call and tell you” and we hung up. I should have gone and picked him up but I wasn’t thinking like a guilty person. My mom would be there in a couple of hours, I’d take him to the Dr. and everything would be fine. When my mom got there, Joey was being put into a police car. My mom begged them to take him to the ER and have him checked. They refused.

I rushed to the police station and was interrogated like a criminal. “If you didn’t do this, who did?” I had done a lot of reading on parenting, when I had Joey and there isn’t a section in Dr. Spock’s baby book about “what to do when you are falsely accused of child abuse”.
This is a boy with petechiae -NOT SUNSPOTS 

I kept pleading with them to take him to get a medical exam, and to call his doctor. The doctor was not there when they called. His partner took the called an apparently glanced at his file and said there is no report of any blood test. I begged the police to let me get the bill I had at home, that showed he had a blood test-nope not a chance. I insisted that they call the Dr. again, and he still denied any reports of a blood test or a problem with bruising.

I now know that he did NOT read Joey’s file-I saw it later-there it was in the Dr’s shitty handwriting “bruises easily”!!!

I was allowed to see him and try to calm him before they took him to the home “for abused children”; He said “I won’t cry if you don’t cry Mommy”. This was his first night away from home EVER!

“I need you mommy! I need you!” They took him and I could hear him crying and pleading “but I need her”.

My sister I got his favorite blanket that he always slept with, and went to the place where Joey was. My sister took it to the door of the place and tried to get them to give it to him. Some snotty bitch said “he can’t have anything from home, and besides his mom hasn’t even called to see how he is”. My sisters said "his mother is this parking lot crying her eyes out

I'm positive her teeth were clinched-seriously no separation whatsover from upper and lower teeth.

I almost can’t believe that my sister showed restraint and did not go ape shit on her-but she showed uncharacteristic strength and didn't say what was on her mind. She did say “have you fed him? Do you feed your 3 year old prisoners?”


I talked with his social worker at 7 AM and she informed me that she didn’t even have to look into this case for 3 days. DOOM.

I phoned the Dr’s office at 8 AM and explained what had happened. Joey’s Dr called me back in a half hour and said, you need to get him to the hospital immediately-he is very sick. I told him I wish I could but I’m not allowed to go near him. He explained that “somehow, the blood test results got put in the back of his chart and I never saw it.” His platelet count (the component of blood that causes it to clot) was only 33,000 at the time of the test, 6 months prior. A normal platelet count is 150,000 to 400,000. As low as his was, he could have sneezed and had an aneurism. The blood red freckles are called petechiae.

The only fortunate thing about this was that Joey’s doctor was neighbors with the social worker and she took his word on it. I arrived at Orangewood Children’s Home at about noon and they told me also that he was sick and that a nurse had noticed the symptoms of a low platelet count and had done a blood test. His platelet count was 11,000. They told me that if I did not get him medical care, I would be charged with medical neglect. They mumbled something about “being happy that I wasn’t abusing him.”

With that comment and no apology I realized no one learned anything on their side…they still treated me like shit

I was referred to the best pediatric oncologist in Orange County and she rushed him in to her office. His platelet count was down to 9,000 and she filled him with gamma globulin. She did a blood marrow test too, which was harrowing. It did not stop bleeding for almost 2 hours. Now I had to wait another 2 days. Did my baby have Leukemia?

It turned out to be ITP Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura, which is a blood disorder. After a hellish year of a 3 year old on 60mgs of prednisone, it was determined he had “platelet antibodies” so his body killed his platelets as they filtered through it. He needed a Splenectomy. He had it done at 4 and a half. An Army of my family came to be with me on his surgery day-a serious Army. People flew in from everywhere to be with us (me) during this huge day.

Turns out he had two spleens. “I had twins? He asked.

He’s recovered nicely, but he is in that 10% of people whose surgery does not cure all of the ITP. If he gets sick the platelets drop…but we have it handled.

Today Joey is 23, because I let him live through his teen years.

That’s when I should have beaten him.

He was recently taken away from me once again, but this time by a beautiful girl named Alyse.

I can almost deal with it.

This will probably never happen to you, but be aware that it can. Please forward this to all the parents you know.
Joey and I after the Race for the Cure in Newport Beach

Monday, November 1, 2010

Dog Blog #1

This week I am watching my sister Lynn’s dog, Lexie~ AKA the Naughtiest Maltese in History. She loves her visits here with my three dogs, Livvie and Pinky, who are mini schnauzers, and Sammy the pug…these weeks are wild for EVERYONE including the humans. They are also hysterically funny. I promised my sister I would keep her posted on how Lex is doing (she doesn’t miss you Lynn, I am sorry.) She is in puppy paradise right now.

We started the week with a four way butt sniff off.

I must be careful, because you can break bones tripping on small dogs. It has happened to me AND Paula Abdul before. No lie.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Have a party in your pants...Invite everyone

Have you ever prayed to get your Period? Margaret has. And it’s not like she went out with the girls, and got lambasted on Lemon Drops either. She didn’t even wake up next to a dude named Antonio and she didn’t discover she had “oops sex”.

Margaret just wants to start her fucking period. She can’t wait for the “big day”. So she prays, and God the jerk, answers her prayer finally, and gives her “the curse”. Fast forward 51 years and God is probably still laughing his ass off at Margaret…and the rest of us who were blessed with a uterus.

Now its 2010- and as I mentioned in an earlier blog, Tampax has come up with a new marketing plan with bright neon tampons pads and liners. I’m sure that a man designed this campaign for his fellow men, so that there would be an OBVIOUS warning to get THE FUCK OUT OF OUR WAY-yes it’s that time of the month guys!

Proof that a woman did not do this: The website says: “I was terrified that my tampon would fall out of my purse when I took my wallet out”. A woman would NOT make this 'glow in the dark' product, for this reason alone! A woman would have them wrapped in old receipts, loose dollars and camouflage. Imagine if our armed forces took on these new tampon colors…The Middle East would look like my street after our annual water balloon fight was over.

In Australia, its worse…the actual pads are decorated “For the ultimate care down there” (Swear. I am not making this shit up). Pick the one that fits your mood…I’ll have the one where the snake is eating the baby, thank you.

One more thing, the aftermath of your period will look like you cleaned up after a festive party that ended with a CSI investigation.

Since you probably have some left over, I have come up with some clever designs to disguise your unused portion of product.

This picture is because I hate the 49er's-no other reason.

This is a "MAXI" pad! More like a a Maxi comforter.

my inspiration :)
Who hasn't felt like this?

Ants in your pants, my ass

12 PC Animal Finger PuppetsAre You There God? It's Me, Margaret (Turtleback School & Library Binding Edition)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It is sad that we can't compare Merv the Perv pics...really

And the only Perv I know is saying the same things to my sister, so I'm not that special. If he Honks her BOOB. I will be SO JEALOUS!


Thursday, October 7, 2010

Is this a Saturday Night Live Skit?

She says "I'm you" and I'm like, um no you're not....
Ok, really, if she is me, would she have to tell me that she is not a witch? Wouldn't she know that I don't believe in witches? She's me, isn't she?

And she says "I'll go to Washington and do what you'd do." Really? Raise your hand if you would,...Nevermind...I did not have sexual relations with myself!

It's a scary day when the first words, in a  politician's first ad is "I am not a witch". I could see someone saying this after a few months in office, but come on-not yet! Give us some hope....lie to us.

Friday, October 1, 2010

How I met the Poorman

I found the article that I submited to "The Lariat", when I was 17 and had decided that I did not want to go to High School due to the fact that my parents MOVED me friggen anywhere during my JR/SR school years! Honestly if you went though this, I have HUGE respect for you, especially if you did not turn out to be a serial killer. I learned of a test that would keep me out of high school until I was 22 (based on the transfer system, switching from California credits-to Texas Credits-back to Cali Credits-not mentioning the next cali move in the JR year....)
If I passed this test I could just move on to college...yea I was 16 but who cares....
OK whadaya know I passed...I took College least they treated me like an adult -which I was at 16-dealing with all the crap I had gone through...I wast an emotional adult but I had no mom was bedridden from illness I had to move on.
I latched on to a journalism major: Larry Knuth was my hero...he offered me an intern position to help me get by Larry Knuth was my professor. He let me explore all about the entertainment world.

I met "The Poorman" and this is what I wrote....

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Teabaggers are Sofa King We Todd Ed.

Oh dear teabaggers, you guys are cracking me up.

This chick's good eye is telling the other one that it will pay for it to FOCUS!

This is all you've got?

More on teabaggers later....I promise

That's all you got, TEA PARTY?

Oh dear teabaggers, you guys are cracking me up.

This chick's good eye is telling the other one that it will pay for it to FOCUS!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

OH NO he Di'n't

Well yes he did by the way.

My friend Nick asked on his facebook status update "What's your favorite vegetable?"

This reminded me that Gilbert Gottfried posted the following status on his Facebook page when she died:
I once asked Natasha Richardson if she'd have sex with me. She said, "Yeah, if I was brain dead."

tee hee I cant disgace Nick's page 2 times in 2 days, so I will just answer here, Karen Quinlen, Terri Schaivo and Nancy Cruzan.

What are your 3 favorite vegetables?

Friday, May 21, 2010

A frog walked into a bar, the other frog ducked.

As I was getting ready for bed, I noticed something moving on the floor of the shower. IT WAS A FUCKING FROG!!!!! I know, I know, I live next to wetlands, but still a frog in my house…no way I could sleep even though I had already taking an Ambien.
Now this wasn’t one of those really ugly warty giant frogs…this was a tadpole that had just gotten legs (still creepy). I put a cup over the thing and ran to get someone else in the house to deal with it. Yea right…that just got me cussed out.
I decided that I wanted Tanner to see him so I went to the kitchen and got a Tupperware container, put some water in it, and went to try to catch the little fucker. He kept hopping out of the container which made me scream a few times. I finally caught him, poked a few holes in the top and went to bed.
I saved the frog until Tanner got home from school and after convincing Tanner that we WERE NOT keeping it, we let it go in the back yard. He even stopped and posed for a few pics before hopping under the deck.
He really was a cute frog.
Then Joey asked if we had noticed the lizard or frog that has been dead in the front doorway…UMMMMMMMMM NOOOOOO I haven’t. “It’s been there for months” he said.
It was true there was tiny frog squished in the doorway…after being sad for a few seconds, I got the giggles.
I know, I am going to burn.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Look what the Rock is cookin'

Long time no blog I know...I wanted to put this up real quick to show you what I fed my son and nephew for desert! Yes its Peepsmores!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

You Only Get One Shot to Give a Last Impression

I applied for a job selling Coffins. …Since it’s been two weeks without a response I am sure my resume bit the dust and is dead in the water. They probably found the skeleton in my closet.
I realize that I really didn’t know much about “Caskets”- as the funeral homes here in the US say to be more PC. Probably the only thing on my resume that made me qualify is that I can sell the shit out of anything-EVEN coffins. I did some research to prep in advance to see who my competition may be.

WOW. Did I learn a lot! I almost know where all the bodies are buried. Look at me Mr. Funeral Home Guy! I gots me some internets smarts! I found a couple of very cool companies such as “Coffin It Up” and “Bert and Buds Vintage Coffins”. I learned that you can have a Coffin Kitchen, purse, jewelry or just the regular stuff like a replica Pope John Paul II coffin.

I still have a few questions about pricing for our “larger” relatives. Are “Plus Size” or “Husky” caskets more expensive and if they are, during this economy should you forgo “comfort” for a loved one and just stuff them in the smaller one kinda like the airlines do? I can see the worry in advance from all the other people in line to get a coffin "Gee I hope I don't get the coffin next to her!" There now-As long as it closes, right?

I also found a custom coffin kit that comes in a box like an IKEA dresser or a pine box derby car you build with your dad, all ready to put together and compact so “it’s easy to store until the time is right”. WTF? Someone please tell me-how do you build a coffin after you’re dead? This seems a little cart before the horse-ish-or as stupid as having the Pro Bowl before the Superbowl.

I might be way too loud for this business and want to make jokes a lot. Even if I don’t tell them to anyone else around me, they will make me giggle and everyone would look at me funny.

And probably if I saw a coffin like Michael Jackson’s, luxurious and expensive, If no one was looking ,I might be tempted to hop in it- just to see how the other half gets to die. It looks comfy and I might like it. WOW! What a way to decompose.
And the last thing that I’ve learned about the industry is that just like everything else in this day and age, this business is dying.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Dear Verizon,

Dear Verizon,
Several years ago I decided not to do business with you ever again. Even cancelling after my contract was a joke since you made me pay for the “Full” month after I had cancelled since Verizon is on a pay in advance program and could not reverse the charges. I thanked the girl ending my service because she gave me one more reason to be happy that I was cancelling (as if I needed one more). Now over a year ago I was a victim of the economy and laid off. I have been looking for work as required by unemployment. I have received collection calls from your company in the past and they have been kind to my situation. Today a person from Nelson Watson and Associates called me at about 3:20 and tried to collect on this bill. I am still unemployed. Here are the basics of the phone call that I posted on my Facebook page to all 720 of my friends: Just got a collection call from Verizon Wireless. The guy asked how long I have been unemployed and I said a year. He told me I could have found a job in a year if I was "really looking". I said you know what? You are a DICK and hung up.

So far I have gotten a huge amount of support from my friends- which made me feel better after your employee insulted me during one of the hardest times of my career-I have NEVER been unemployed before. Maybe, I should apply at Verizon since you will hire any piece of shit out there! Nah, you guys are the bottom of the barrel obviously! I hope your cell phone services go the bankrupt way of your Yellow Pages.
This letter is now a part of my blog too…more people need to know that you will use ANY technique to collect money. Should I keep an eye out for Vinnie, Louie and Guido as well?


I was told that my blog isn't whiny but its about to get BITCHY!

Just got a collection call from Verizon Wireless. The guy asked how long I have been unemployed and I said a year. He told me I could have found a job in a year if I was "really looking". I said you know what? You are a DICK and hung up.

I wish I said, well obviously anyone could get a job at Verizon you douchbag! And then called him a dick. That would have made me feel better.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Have a Bitchen Summer

I used to write a newsletter when I was an activities director for about 1600 apartments. I channeled Julie on the Love Boat. I found one tonight when looking for my college transcripts- so I’m sharing it you. Lucky.

This was from the summer of 1999-

On the last day of sixth grade my son Joey (who just finished a tortuous year in middle school as a “sixlet”) brought home his first yearbook. Oh the memories! I rushed to get mine out. I found two from different high schools, Vines High School in Plano TX and the other from El Modena in Orange Ca. There were 3 cliques in Texas and luckily I fit just a tiny bit into each of them. So I wasn’t a complete outcast there. In California you were either popular or not popular. I wasn’t.
I started reading in my yearbook and I couldn’t put it down. Some of the posts I can’t share with you but here is sampling of some.
From Greg, “It was great having you in driver’s ed, even though you almost killed us”.
From Scott, “It was fun flying. Let’s take a trip to Jamaica”.
“Peggy, don’t worry, I promise not to beat you up if that’s what u think. I don’t fight as often u think. It’s too bad we didn’t get to be friends sooner!-Friends to be C.C. (with friends like this I didn’t need any enemies!)
“Hi, It’s me. Remember me when I am up there-because I will remember you and we can go backstage. And party with Rush, Van Halen and Tom Petty when I am opening with them OK? I’m really glad I met you-Love Carol “Leed guitar”. Hey Carol, I’m still waiting on those backstage passes.
One guy wrote the all the lyrics to Billy Joel’s “always a woman”…thanks Jon Mendola!
Pegi, Hey pretty lady! Hope you are having a great time in Laguna Hills! Please give me a call! “I miss your smile” we got some things to talk about anywho!
Rick AKA “Ricky Racer”
My son has come a long way from the day he graduated from kindergarten when he walked the red paper trail and got a hug from his teacher that turned him into a first grader. He is almost as tall as me and some of the entries in his yearbook I can’t share with you.
Stay Sweet! And have a bitchen summer all! Pegi

I have found so many of these friends this year on Facebook, Except for Carol “Leed Guitar” Watson. She passed away this summer. I hope she is rocking off heaven’s doors. Save me that backstage pass baby!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Payback is a Biznatch

My Nephew Rob, defriended me today on Facebook. He is pissed because I borrowed his Joe Montana ornament from his Christmas tree. He wasn’t thinking when he decorated his tree…totally within my reach. Really, this is payback for the Christmas of 1999 when he STOLE my Troy Aikman ornament from my rearview mirror and proceeded to dress Troy in a Tutu. I wanted him back but Rob said he burned him up (He is a pyro )
Joe has been having a blast at my house. He has lots of Cowboys and Zombies that are playing with him. He is only crying a little. awww….I take that back. That had to have hurt. Oh no Joe…come here…I’ll help you find your other eye.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer." - Mark Twain

I hope I didn’t frighten any one away because of my language, because we are going to have a blast here on my Blog.
5 followers already! I’m going Viral! I only said that because whenever I say “viral” it pisses the hell out of my pretentious college student, Joey. “Eww Don’t ever say that again that again Mom, you don’t even know what viral means!” Viral Viral Viral! Take that Joe.
We have so much to cover, so I am going to give you a little preview of what we will be talking about here.
We will go over my first year of Funemployment which included lots of laughter with the sisters and family which included drinking vodka around a bonfire with the family and Ace the goat. We stalked Blake Shelton because he is from Ada OK like us. We (I) became Biggest Loser stalkers because my cousin Darci’s husband Danny, was a contestant and won the Biggest Loser! Also my move from Orange County to Folsom in February without a job lined up.

Then there is Facebook. My best friend with all my best friends on it! I will be featuring some of my fabulous unique friends on here (some that defriended me or vice versa). My fellow Howard Stern Slack Packers and my friends from A Heartbreaking Choice will also be covered as well as my friends from high school that I have found.

I may even delve into my childhood, and share with you how my brother fed me play dough crackers and tried to drown me in the blow up pool. Then there was that time when I was in 4th grade that I got my hand stuck in a tampon machine in the Sears bathroom. Another time, my niece and I got into a fight camping at Butterfield Country and gave each other bald spots from pulling hair. This was over a guppy. Before you say anything-Martie, my niece is only 2 weeks younger than me and about a hundred times more athletic and stronger. She could beat the shit out of me.

Overall, I am really a happy person and I knew I made the right move to Folsom when I was recovering from Hernia Surgery and I was surrounded by my family- laughing like we always do when we are together- and my brother in law “John the Father” said “don’t laugh so hard you might break your stitches” and then my sister Barb said “and then you’d blow around the room backwards”. I was Home.

Now all I need to do is find a job that pays a white man’s wage. God.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Looks Like I Picked the Wrong Day to Quit Saying "Fuck"

That was my New Year’s resolution-not to say fuck-especially on Facebook. It is January 9, 2010. Whatever.
I was optimistic about the New Year-finally someone wanted to interview me! In a field that I have TONS of experience in even! I bought this really cute suit and put my hair in a fucking bun like my sister told me to (she said I need “serious” hair). The interview went great, I thought. I looked good -except for my slight limp from my broken toe that I stuffed in high heeled boots.
“I’ll call you and set up a meeting with the manager!” the hiring lady, Mayra said “probably Friday!”
I felt good. Optimistic. 2010 bring it on! I have been on unemployment for over a year now. I am ready to take on the world and go back to work!
4:00 Friday I get the email-not the call! LIAR!
I am traveling but wanted to get a message out to you as soon as possible.
We have carefully reviewed your candidacy and decided to pursue other candidates.

Again, thank you for your interest in our organization. We wish you the best in your job search and with all your future endeavors.


What’s next? Back to College and I am going to write this Blog. I want to get enough followers so that Monster and Careerbuilder will advertise on my page. Maybe I shouldn’t say fuck after all? Fuck that.