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Wednesday, February 3, 2010

You Only Get One Shot to Give a Last Impression


I applied for a job selling Coffins. …Since it’s been two weeks without a response I am sure my resume bit the dust and is dead in the water. They probably found the skeleton in my closet.
I realize that I really didn’t know much about “Caskets”- as the funeral homes here in the US say to be more PC. Probably the only thing on my resume that made me qualify is that I can sell the shit out of anything-EVEN coffins. I did some research to prep in advance to see who my competition may be.

WOW. Did I learn a lot! I almost know where all the bodies are buried. Look at me Mr. Funeral Home Guy! I gots me some internets smarts! I found a couple of very cool companies such as “Coffin It Up” and “Bert and Buds Vintage Coffins”. I learned that you can have a Coffin Kitchen, purse, jewelry or just the regular stuff like a replica Pope John Paul II coffin.

I still have a few questions about pricing for our “larger” relatives. Are “Plus Size” or “Husky” caskets more expensive and if they are, during this economy should you forgo “comfort” for a loved one and just stuff them in the smaller one kinda like the airlines do? I can see the worry in advance from all the other people in line to get a coffin "Gee I hope I don't get the coffin next to her!" There now-As long as it closes, right?

I also found a custom coffin kit that comes in a box like an IKEA dresser or a pine box derby car you build with your dad, all ready to put together and compact so “it’s easy to store until the time is right”. WTF? Someone please tell me-how do you build a coffin after you’re dead? This seems a little cart before the horse-ish-or as stupid as having the Pro Bowl before the Superbowl.

I might be way too loud for this business and want to make jokes a lot. Even if I don’t tell them to anyone else around me, they will make me giggle and everyone would look at me funny.

And probably if I saw a coffin like Michael Jackson’s, luxurious and expensive, If no one was looking ,I might be tempted to hop in it- just to see how the other half gets to die. It looks comfy and I might like it. WOW! What a way to decompose.
And the last thing that I’ve learned about the industry is that just like everything else in this day and age, this business is dying.

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